I've Just Been Told Someone Has Autism, Now What?

Welcome to Ausumness.

It's been a long time since I've made an entry.

Things are going pretty well and I've started a new venture that is extremely time consuming.  Dividing my time has proven difficult.  I bet you've also bitten off more than you can chew a few times.

I can't, in my heart, stop with this blog.  Even if I only periodically make entries.  My goal is to inform, educate and support educators, care takers and parents who are involved with Autism or for those curious.

I'm sharing a recent post I made on Facebook, that got a lovely reception and apparently, helped a few friends.  There is nothing I love better than helping.  This is one tough battle to fight and no one should have to do it alone.  Read, search, find help, explore, TRY and you really will find answers.  Things really can get better.  You certainly CAN eliminate or reduce problematic symptoms in a variety of fashions at no cost.  Never, ever stop trying to make your life or the people in your life who have Autism easier, more enjoyable or at the very least, tolerable.

This is what I wrote:

"Do you ever wonder why people "warn" or rather "inform" you that their children or whomever have Autism? I was just thinking, how I often enlighten strangers that my children have Autism, but got to thinking what that might mean to someone who doesn't know how to respond to that. 

What it means for us is, have a little or at times, a lot of patience. Try not to stare or give discouraging looks because it will make things a lot worse. Do not judge any of us. (Leave the judging for the dude upstairs.) Give us space. Try to learn from the experience. If you hear something that displeases you, ignore it. Don't take it personally. Don't assume that they can think like you. Try to be sympathetic because you only have to deal with the situation temporarily while we have to deal with it a life time."

One of my friends responded to the post, grateful and explained that her son was having such terrible difficulty in school.  The teachers and students were mean to him.  I responded with this:

"I SO understand what you are going through. As a parent and teacher, I'm absolutely disgusted and frankly disturbed that teachers do not receive a LOT more "workshops" or education on how to deal with kids with special needs. I read, read, read. Even though my kids go to a special school, I had to "school" the staff. I go to meetings with an arsenal of information that is useful and essential for the TEACHER. I give them ammo to use, when things get tricky and share tips on how "not" to do things so that issues don't even arise. The good teachers, who realise that this is not a criticism, but a very useful tool are typically grateful and huge improvements are attained."

Think of things that work at home and they may also work at school.  By all means, do not assume the teacher has been properly instructed on how to deal with Autism.  Some teachers mean well and truly love their students, but do not have a clue about special needs.  Help and nurture them and they will do the same with your children.

I hope you've found this useful.  I've got a Pinterest board for Autism, where you might find more tips.  I have a very quiet group on FB if you are interested.  

Thanks for visiting Ausumness. 

Gift Giving And Autism

Welcome to AuSumness.

Autism isn't always awesome, but there sure are many attributes that give people with autism something special and unique.  For me, one of the best things about autism is how it makes me look at everything differently.  Certainly, outside of the box thinking is required and I feel like I'm improving a lot as a person because both my boys have autism.

Last week, we got into different ways that friends and family can help us and our kids.  I shared a story about my mother-in-law getting a bit emotional when JJ totally freaked at the money gift he received.  I'm talking full blown melt down.

My mother-in-law took it personal.  You should never take it personal. One of the biggest problems that people with autism have is inappropriate social behaviour.  My children are rarely grateful for the gift they receive despite us teaching them that they should be.  We show them by example continuously and it just doesn't help.  As with so many other things.  If that's something all parents go through, is the constant repetition in the correction of behaviour.  How many of you have to say, "Honey, stay seated while we we're eating"?  Seriously, we've been saying this for over a decade now and at least 5 times for every meal.

All right!  We've said not to take it personal, but that doesn't mean that you have to ignore the behaviour either.  Of course, if you're not going to say something helpful, then ignoring them would be best.  Hehehehe...However, there certainly isn't anything wrong with letting that person know that your feelings are hurt by their reaction.  Just don't expect that you will get an apology.

Remember, some people need TIME to get used to a new gift.  My youngest certainly falls into this category.  He might throw a present and even hide it, but three days later, he goes to bed with it and can't put it down.  JJ needs time to look at it, feel it, even taste it before he can begin to appreciate it.  So please, if you get a negative response when giving a gift, don't take it to heart.  Tomorrow, they just might LOVE it.

I would totally recommend asking that person or the parent what a suitable gift might be.  Especially, if ya think you're going to be upset at a negative reaction.

Last week I suggested that you should consider not making someone else's behaviour all about yourself.  I certainly don't blame the gift giver for my child's reaction to a present.

I've written a blog on giving and going to a special needs party. If you're interested in that, click here.

Hopefully our tips and explanations will help smooth things out and make everyone's life a bit less stressful.

Thanks for stopping by.  If you'd like to join me and some of my other friend's whose children have autism, hit up our group on Facebook.

Best of luck!

How You Can Help Friends and Family With Autistic or Special Needs Children

Welcome to AuSumness!

On our road to finding the awesome in Autism, we often come across bumps or even broken bridges. We sometimes meander down dark roads, but it's essential to keep looking for the light.  We hope, through our entries on this blog to give encouragement, help and to let you know, you are not alone.

Last week, we talked about the destructive side of autism.  Today, we're looking at ways that friends and family can help us with our autistic children.

Acceptance:  For us, things started getting a lot better when people started accepting that our children have Autism.  We were continuously accused, by those we loved, that we were spoiling our children or not feeding them properly or they were not getting enough sleep or the worst, "they just HAVE to learn".

Especially, when a diagnosis has been given, it's time to take off the gloves and jump in and help.  Having children with special needs is incredibly taxing.  Mentally, physically and emotionally draining to the point where the parents or caregivers can become sick themselves.

Sympathy:  It's always nice to hear, "I can't even imagine what it would be like" or "It must be very difficult".  This is so much better than, suck it up, life goes on or everyone's got it rough..."  The chances are, those parents are hearing that from most other people anyway, so let's mix it up.  It's often relieving to hear these things.  The other things just infuriate or exasperate already spent emotions.

Don't take it personally:  This is a big one and I'll try my best to explain.  Often, autistic people can say things that might hurt your feelings or act in a way that makes YOU feel uncomfortable.  Never do this.  Do not let it get to you.  It's not an excuse and there certainly isn't anything wrong letting that person know, that you feel sad, unloved or embarrassed, but do not expect them to understand.

For example, I thought my mother-in-law might cry when my son got very upset at her choice of gifts.  For one, I told her I'd be happy to buy things I know he likes and she could reimburse me.  I've reminded her that money gifts are not well accepted and that most of the time, the boys need TIME to get to know their gifts before they start liking them.  Which brings us to the next tip.

Listen:  Listening is something we can all do better.  Take notes if you have to.  If you are going to ask about things you can do to help, make sure you listen to what they say.  When your friends are venting, zone in on things that really bother them and see if there might be a way to step in.  Sometimes just listening silently is helpful.

Ignore unpleasant behaviour:  If only most people would do this.  Look at the bigger picture.  How are evil stares or even complaints, going to change anything?  Just focus on the parents and give them your attention, not the child's.  Ignoring ill behaviour can even be advantageous at times.

Patience:  It is very, very difficult for some parents of autistic children to give you, their full attention.  It might not even be safe to do that.  Try your best not to think of yourself if you find you're in a position like this.  I know many friends and family cannot stand the constant interruption of my kids or me having to stop conversation to address a problem.  It bothers us, too.  It bothers us that we can't sit and speak for even just a couple of minutes without interruption and it also bothers us that our friends and family get upset when this happens.

Offer to babysit:  I realise, that this one is a doozy.  For many parents and caretakers of those with special needs a babysitter is not even an option!  For years my husband and I couldn't go out or rather, get away from all of the chaos, sadness and uncertainty.  Not even for a few hours.  There are very few people out there wanting to fill our shoes and have these kids for a couple of hours.  I totally get it.  If it is something that you absolutely could never dream of, then don't offer.

Include:  Another thing one might not consider that parents and caregivers of special needs kids go through is inclusion.  My high functioning son gets to do a lot of outside activities.  He goes to parties, stays the night with friends and does sports, but my youngest has NEVER slept at a friend's house and when my older son's friends come to play JJ is often not included in their games.  There are very little groups or extra curricular activities for special needs kids.  If there is ever an opportunity for you to include that person, then it would certainly be appreciated.  It would be an excellent learning experience for that person and it would be one fine example to others.

So many times, people assume that the autistic person is not listening or realise what's going on around them, but it is more than likely that they are.  Many autistic people do not look into your eyes or at you or do anything for you to know that they are paying attention and or following the conversation.  Do not act as if they are not there.  It's insulting and it hurts which is how you might also feel by their lack of interaction with you.  Talking about them, with them right there, in a negative way is a big time no, no.

Try your best not to take it personal.  Try to not make it all about you.

No pity party, please:  When I asked around to other friends who have special needs children, they were pretty passionate about their kid's uniqueness and do not consider it in any way shape or form as something negative.  Though, I do not feel the same, I can see why some might look at it like this.  Some folks feel like they were chosen to have children like this.  Can't say I agree with that either, but we all look at things differently and it is something to consider when approaching people about the issue.

I hope these tips have been helpful.  If you have anything helpful to add, join our group on Facebook or leave something positive in the comments.

Best of luck!

Big Kid Little Kid Problems and Autism

Welcome to AuSumness.

Every day we are looking for the awesome in autism, but let's face it.  It isn't always awesome.  When we do find things that work or read something that might help, we share it here.  Sometimes we just may vent, but everyone needs that at times, too.

Our last few entries looked specifically at food, the environment and other possible factors that might contribute to the symptoms of autism.  We gave several suggestions to try out and see if they don't help reduce the many symptoms of autism.

Today, we looking at socialisation, again.  As many of you may know, socialising can be very difficult for those on the spectrum and their friends and family.

I may have mentioned before, that when you have a child that appears physically normal most people falsely assume that they are in fact, typical, normally functioning children.  We certainly know what it's like to get the evil stares and accusations of being bad parents for our children's unusual behaviour.

Something with us that has started with our youngest son, is his age versus his mental intelligence for his age.  He's 10, but acts like a 5 year old.  I recently asked myself, does it make sense to speak to him and treat him like a 10 year old, if perhaps he doesn't have the mental capacity to understand me?

I must speak in short sentences and as direct and clearly as possible.  Forget metaphors or sarcasm.

He loves playing with toys for little kids.  He likes clothing for little kids.  He still can't swim and is much more comfortable splashing around in the baby pool, but according to the rules, he's not supposed to be in there.  This morning he told me he doesn't like free time any more because he is no longer allowed to play on the little kids playground.

I've watched him carefully and he does not harm or make fun of the little kids, so for me, it's fine.  I can't expect him to act like a 10 year old.  It's not always easy ignoring the glares, but it's just about all you can do until you are approached.  For so many folks, having autism is an excuse.  That's only because they have never lived with it and as we may want and expect compassion, we must also do the same.  We have to be patient with others and provide the best example we can for our friends and family.

We also need to be an advocate!  We need to continuously point out our issues and ask for help when necessary.  When I explain about autism at the pool, most of the workers there are cool about it and let him play.  I'll certainly ask at school what the deal is.  I'd hate to think that at a special school, age would be a determining factor.  Ugh!

I'm on the hunt for companies that provide big sizes and kid like items for older people.  Things like clothes that are fun, cotton, obviously inside out or backwards and easy to get on and off would certainly be helpful in our household.  Some kind of bike or ride along system would be great, too. I've left some links I've found, but still haven't found just the right thing.

If you know of any sites that offer things like this, leave the link in the comments and we'll be sure to share them around.

Here are some things I found that may help you.

http://www.happyfaceapparel.org/hfa/products-page/

http://adaptiveclothingshowroom.com/childrens-adaptive-clothing/

https://www.etsy.com/market/special_needs

http://www.bikemania.biz/adult-trikes-teen-trikes/special-needs-tricycles.html

http://buddybike.com/Stories/BuddyBikeStory-TerryLuke.html

https://tadpoleadaptive.com/adaptive-bikes-1.html

Best of luck!